And honestly, today's episode might not have happened, were it not for COVID. Because in addition to dealing with the physical elements of COVID, I also found myself dealing with some mental aspects too. And that's what I want to talk about during today's episode. I want to dive into what happens when we fall into the comparison trap, and how we can release ourselves from that trap. So while I was sick in bed for three days, I definitely turned to social media as a way to pass the time and distract myself from my physical discomfort. And what I found is that the longer I spent on social media, the worse I felt, because I was comparing myself to just about everyone I was seeing come across my feed. And I know that for me, this is a danger of social media use, it is so easy for me to fall down the rabbit hole of paying attention to what other people are doing and accomplishing and what they're sharing. And I feel conflicted, because on one hand, especially if it's people that I know, personally, I'm really proud of them. And I'm excited for them and I want to celebrate their gains. And especially when I'm not feeling well, it's also easy for me to fall into that “Poor me, woe is me, I'm not as good as them, I'm not accomplishing as much.” And that just depletes whatever mental reserves I have left. And that is exactly what happened to me last week. I spent way too much time on Facebook, in particular scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, and seeing not just the posts of my friends and colleagues, but also advertisements and suggestions from Facebook about content that I might be interested in. And it all fed into this idea that I was falling behind, that I wasn't doing enough, that I wasn't good enough, and that everyone else was further along than me. And quite honestly, I devolved into a bit of a pity party. Now I know myself well enough to know that this is not surprising. In fact, I probably could have predicted this. I know that my physical health and my mental health are deeply connected. And when I am not feeling well, my mood and my mental health decline as well. The converse is true, though, I find that being physically active is a great way for me to manage my own anxiety, and depression. But when I'm sick and I'm not able to be physically active, then I've lost one of my major coping strategies. And then this last week, I replaced that coping strategy with spending more time on social media, which really just perpetuates the problem. So I did not do a great job at self care while I was sick, because I spent so much time on Facebook. And I could feel myself minute by minute just getting sucked in and falling further and further into the comparison trap. But here's the silver lining. Once I started feeling better, and I was able to get back to my normal routine, and have a little distance from that period of time, I could look back on it and note exactly what I failed to do to effectively support myself in the moment. And that has really inspired what I want to talk about today. Because there are ways that we can escape the comparison trap when we have found ourselves stuck in it. And there are five things that I was able to do retrospectively, to help me make sense of what I was experiencing. In hindsight, I wish I had been a little more proactive about doing these five things while I was experiencing that comparisonitis but that's okay, giving myself grace and space around that one. But at least now I know the five things I can do when I find myself starting to fall victim to comparisonitis. And I want to share those five things with you today. 

So number one, the very first thing we can do, when we fall into the comparison trap, is to name it and claim it. I was getting so sucked into the scroll on Facebook, that I did not immediately notice what was happening. I found myself feeling more restless and more agitated. But I wasn't able to link that to the feelings of comparison, and envy, and feeling like I wasn't good enough. In the moment, I didn't see that connection. Maybe it was because I was sick. Maybe it was a bit of the COVID fog that had descended. But I was not super self aware during that time. And it wasn't until later that I was really able to connect my feelings of anxiety, and not good enoughness with the constant social media scroll that I was exposing myself to. So in hindsight, I really wish that I had named it and claimed it in the moment. So that as I noticed my moods starting to fall, and as I noticed my anxiety starting to increase, I could stop myself in the moment and say “Ah, I know what this is. This is the comparison monster rearing its ugly head,” I think it is so helpful to name the emotion. And even if we personify it, so calling it the comparison monster, calling it comparisonitis giving it some sort of identity can be really helpful because then it separates the feeling from the identity. I can see it as a feeling that I am having or that I am experiencing without it defining who I am. And I think that's what started to happen when I was sick and I was scrolling. I was vulnerable to letting that emotion define who I was and that just perpetuated feeling more anxious and despondent and restless and like I wasn't good enough. So in hindsight, in the moment when we are starting to experience, the jealousy, the envy, the anxiety that comes from comparing ourselves to others. Step number one is to name it, and claim it. And we really do have to claim it, we have to own that we are experiencing this, because then we're able to note what behaviors might be contributing to that feeling. Certainly, for me, it was scrolling on Facebook. But there may be other comparison triggers that you experience or that I experienced as well. And we can't be self aware, unless we're able to name it and claim it first. 

So that is step number one, when we find ourselves in the comparison trap, name it and claim it, own it, call it out for what it is, own that we're having that experience, because then we're able to move on to step two, which is identifying what this comparison trap is really pointing to. I have found both working with my own clients, and also doing my own self coaching, that when I am experiencing an unwanted or undesirable emotion, underneath that emotion is usually an arrow that is pointing to something that matters to me that either is going unfulfilled, or is not being expressed in a way that's aligned with who I am and how I want to show up in the world. So when I fall into the comparison trap, and I notice it and I pause, I quickly uncover the deeper value that is being threatened or challenged and in this case, I think it was a combination of my values of being of service to others, of connecting with others, and also of being productive. I know also, if I'm being fully honest, there were several moments where I was feeling jealous or envious. I would see people on Facebook, maybe people I knew, maybe people I didn't, but they were celebrating their successes and my response was, “Why can't that be me?” And that's not the most attractive response. I get it. I also wasn't feeling well and so I'm gonna cut myself a little slack on that. But whenever I'm feeling jealous or envious of someone's success, I do have a choice as to how I interpret that. Now in the moment, I allowed it to define what I wasn't, I wasn't successful, I wasn't accomplishing these things. But later on, once I had some distance, I was actually able to take a look at that envy and use it as a marker of what I wanted. Of what I wanted to accomplish, of what I'm striving towards. And then I have the ability to transform that envy into possibility. If so and so is able to accomplish this, I can too. If they're out there killing it, I can as well. And so instead of allowing it to show me what I'm not doing, I can have it show me what's possible. But that only comes once I've had the opportunity to really reflect on what that comparisonitis what that envy is pointing to? What values am I not currently expressing the way I want to, and what opportunities can come from seeing what's possible for other people? So step one was name it and claim it. Step two was identifying what the jealousy or comparisonitis is really pointing to. 

Step three is to address the root cause. Once we know what these feelings are pointing to, then we can decide, well, how are we going to handle this? What do we want to do about this? And for me, when I was experiencing the discomfort and the jealousy of seeing what other people were accomplishing, and I wasn't, once I had a little distance, then I was able to say, “Alright Lee, you're having these feelings, it's pointing towards the fact that you are not living out your values in a way that you want. What now? What do you want to change, do differently, do more of in order to bring yourself back in alignment with how you want to show up in the world. And once I approached it from that perspective, I was able to start generating ideas about “Well, maybe what I want to do, when I'm feeling better is this. Maybe I can take what I was working on and tweak it a bit and present it this way.” I actually found that I was able to enter a pretty cool flow state of creativity, once I was addressing the root cause once I understood why I was feeling this way, then I could generate options about how I wanted to deal with it. And I will be sharing some of those ideas with you in future episodes of the podcast. It was definitely a time where I came up with all sorts of new content ideas for episodes, but also a new way of offering one of my foundational components in my business. So more to come on that I'm super excited to share it with you, but it's still percolating, still need to give it a little time. So more to come on that friend. But once we've addressed the root cause, once we've figured out, okay, this is what my mind is really trying to tell me. And these are the behaviors that I want to take as a result. 

Step four, is to limit our exposure to what was causing that envy and that discontent in the first place. And in my case, it's pretty obvious what was causing those unwanted feelings. It was the constant scrolling on Facebook. I recognized that it was not doing my mental health any good to be spending hours and hours and hours on social media, specifically on Facebook. Now, I do not want to take an extreme view here. Because I think there are benefits to social media, I have been able to grow my business because of social media, I have made new friendships with people because of social media. So I don't want to suggest that we should all just delete the apps from our phones and never go on social media ever again, I don't think that's necessary. I also don't think it's realistic. But I do think in my case, I need to be way more mindful about how I am using social media on a day to day basis. And especially the next time that I am sick, or the next time that I'm in a period where I need to rest. I'm going to remember this and I'm going to tell myself, “Do not default to Facebook, or Instagram or TikTok as a way of distracting you from your physical discomfort and getting through this period of illness.” Because I know from experience, it's not served me in the past. So it's not going to serve me this time. And don't get me wrong, I know that that's not going to be the easiest thing to do. There is something so easy about opening up the Facebook app and just scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, and it can be a bit of a time suck. Which when you're trying to make time go by more quickly because you're experiencing unpleasant sensations and emotions. Like, that's a pretty big draw. But I also know how it can make things worse in the long run. And so I will be setting much more clear boundaries around my own social media usage, certainly when I'm ill, but also in my day to day usage as well. So here's a concrete example. When I opened my phone, and I go to the very first screen. I have set it up so that my commonly used apps are right there. So my text messaging, Voxer, photos, Life360, The New York Times app, my calendar, like all of these apps, and of course, right there on that first screen are Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok. So I have made it really easy for myself to just open my phone and just click one of those apps. What I'm going to do is move them off of my first screen, and I'm probably going to put them inside a folder, so that I'm not seeing them on a constant basis. I have a feeling that that simple tweak, not even deleting them from my phone, but just making it a little more difficult for me to access them is going to cut down on the amount of time I spend on them. Now I know some people delete the apps completely from their phone, and they only use them on their computer or their laptop, or maybe their tablet. I'm not quite there yet. But maybe that is a goal to work towards. But right now I'm committing to moving those apps off of my primary screen into a folder on a secondary screen, just to make it a little more difficult for me to access them easily. And that is one way I can limit my exposure to the things that trigger my comparisonitis. I believe that if I limit my exposure, then perhaps I can keep myself from falling into the comparison trap to begin with. 

Alright, so we've talked about the first four steps: name it and claim it, identify what it's really pointing to, address the root cause and limit your exposure. The fifth and final step that I am taking, and I would encourage you to take to get yourself out of the comparison trap is to remember your wins. It is so easy to discount our successes and our victories, especially when we are caught up in what everybody else seems to be doing that we're not doing. But if we can take a moment to remember our wins, to give ourselves credit for the successes we've had, then that can counteract that little voice in our head that’s saying we're not doing enough, we're not being enough. 

One of the things that I do, and I know I've mentioned this on the podcast before, is on my laptop screen, I have a folder, and it's called warm fuzzies. And anytime I get a testimonial, anytime someone leaves a review of the podcast, or if I get an email from a client that's just filled with love, I take screenshots, and I put them in my warm fuzzies folder. So when I need a reminder of the things that I'm doing well, all I have to do is click on that folder on my desktop. And there it is, all sorts of proof that the work that I'm doing in the world is having a positive impact on the lives of others. And that is very much connected to my value of service and of being of service to others. It's a great way to remind myself that I am making an impact, I am creating change. And yes, I may be in a bit of a slump right now. But that doesn't negate everything that I've already done. And it certainly doesn't negate the things that I've yet to accomplish. So taking a moment to remember your wins when you are experiencing comparisonitis can be a really powerful antidote. And it may just be what you need to escape that comparison trap. So I've just walked you through the five things that we can do to escape the comparison trap. Now it's time for this week's Clarity in Action moment.

For this week's Clarity in Action moment, I want to go back to step four, limiting our exposure. And I gave you a concrete example of what I am going to do to limit my exposure to these comparisonitis triggers moving forward. I will be moving my social media apps off of my main screen into a folder to make it less likely that by default, I will click it and start scrolling. So that's one thing I am committing to do. I want to know from you, what's one thing you can do to limit your exposure to your comparison triggers. And trust me, I mean it I really want to know. Normally I would tell you to come find me on Instagram or TikTok @CoachWithClarity, but that feels a little counterproductive today. So instead, why don't we go back to good old fashioned email. I want you to send me an email, it's info@coachwithclarity.com. And I want you to let me know, what's one thing you can do today to limit your exposure to your comparison trigger? So send me an email nfo@coachwithclarity.com. And of course, if you're on social media, you're welcome to connect with me there, but let's keep it in the DMs okay? I find that to be a much more positive, engaging place to really connect with people versus on posts. So come find me in the DMS if you want to be on social media, or send me an email, and let's support each other as we escape the comparison trap together. 

Alright, my friend, I can feel my voice starting to go. In fact, over the last 20 some minutes, you may have even heard a slight change in my voice as well. So I think it's time for me to go make myself a cup of tea with a little bit of honey and lemon. Soote these vocal cords that have been working hard so that I can rest up and prepare for next week's episode. I would love for you to join me then. And in order to make that even easier, go ahead and subscribe or follow the podcast now. Just look for that little plus sign button or the button that says subscribe or follow wherever you listen to your podcasts. And when you do that, you will be automatically subscribed to the show for free, which means future episodes will show up in your feed ready and waiting for you. I'm already looking forward to connecting with you next week and hopefully my voice will be up to the task. And until then, my name is Lee Chaix McDonough reminding you to get out there and show the world what it means to be a Coach with Clarity.