Now, I have to admit from the very beginning that I have a complicated relationship with conflict, I am certainly a recovering people pleaser. I spent most of my life prioritizing the needs and health of other people over my own. And a lot of times I would swallow my own thoughts and feelings if it meant not rocking the boat and avoiding conflict. For those of you who are familiar with the Enneagram, which we talked about on an earlier episode all about coaching assessments. Well, on the Enneagram, I am a two with a three wing. And with twos we really value being of service to other people. And we value having those harmonious relationships. And when we are not necessarily at our healthiest, when we are average to even unhealthy. A lot of times we can be very avoidant in our behaviors, because we don't want to promote conflict. And that avoidance then causes us to become resentful of the other person. So what I've discovered is that in my efforts to avoid conflict at all costs, it actually contributes to the conflict and contributes to those uncomfortable feelings. And so that's why especially with coaching relationships, it's so important to know the types of conflict that can actually be helpful and healthy in a relationship and how to navigate that, but also the type of conflict that can be completely destructive, and offers very little, if any opportunity for growth. So I want to start off talking about how we can avoid that unhelpful conflict from the start. And I want to make clear that this doesn't mean we are being conflict avoidant, I really see conflict avoidance as when a disagreement happens, we refuse to deal with it head on. To me that's different than setting the stage to minimize the likelihood of conflict occurring, especially that unhelpful, unproductive conflict. 

 

So the number one way to ensure that we are not creating a space within our coaching practice or our coaching relationships, for that unhelpful conflict is to make sure we are really clear about what our personal and professional values are, and that we are communicating those to our prospective clients, whether on our website, in our content that we create, and also in those initial connection calls, because we want to make sure that our clients understand who we are, what we believe in and what we stand for. That's really at the heart of knowing our values. That's important to communicate to our clients because they need to know what matters most to us just as much as we need to know what matters to them. And if we find that there are any fundamental value conflicts that arise, well, that's something we need to know, before we commit to a long term coaching relationship with someone. Now, I don't believe that our clients values need to be or even should be identical to our own, that's not going to be the case. And I have worked with dozens of clients whose values may look a little different than mine. But the thing is, they're still complementary, they don't work against each other. So I think when we can find some similarity, or some harmony, in what matters most to us, then that's going to increase the odds that we are connecting with potential clients that are really aligned with our coaching approach. So we do want to make sure that our values are coming through in everything we do, from our marketing copy, to our content, to how we talk about what we do, that's really important. So that's why number one, we need to know what our values are. And  number two, we need to communicate them to our clients. And then number three, we need to ask our potential clients about their values, I believe that question needs to be a part of any connection call or sales call that you are conducting with a client. And in fact, if you want more information about how to conduct a really powerful connection, call, head back to Episode 97. It is one of the most popular episodes of the Coach with Clarity Podcast we've ever done. I've gotten more feedback on that show. So you'll definitely want to take a listen to how to structure a connection call. And please make sure that you are asking some questions around your clients values and what matters most to them. And that you're sharing your own. That connection call can also be a wonderful opportunity to talk about conflict, and to talk with your potential client about how we address conflict within a coaching relationship. So that's why it's important that as coaches, we're aware of our own tendencies when it comes to dealing with conflict. And the connection call actually gives us an opportunity to model healthy communication and that type of behavior from the very beginning. So we can ask our clients, “How do you handle conflict? When a disagreement comes up, how do you prefer to be spoken to? How do you communicate your feelings?” And the answers to those questions may also give you some helpful data as you are figuring out “Is this person a good fit for my coaching style and my business?” 

When we are open from the start with our clients, we set the stage for a healthy relationship that is anchored in open communication, clear expectations and boundaries. Because oftentimes, conflict emerges when we feel like a boundary has been violated, or an expectation has not been met. So set the expectation from the start, let your client know “If you disagree with me, that's okay and here's how we can handle it. And if I disagree with you, as your coach, here's what I commit to.” So when we talk about conflict from the very beginning, that can often defuse the situation, and provide some ground rules for how you will engage with each other moving forward. So when we can do our part at the very beginning of the relationship to set the terms in order to minimize the likelihood of disagreements and conflict, great. But even when we do that, sometimes we are still going to have disagreements with our clients. Sometimes it is just unavoidable. So what do we do when we disagree with our clients? Well, here's the good news. Conflict is normal. And in fact, within a healthy relationship, conflict can actually lead to growth and can strengthen the bonds between you. So just remember that healthy relationships can absolutely handle conflict. And if you've gone through the process to build a strong foundation with your client, you can withstand some disagreements. And so can they. We can view any conflict as a catalyst for positive change. And we can view it as an opportunity to strengthen the relationship. 

 

So when you find yourself disagreeing with a client, if they have shared something that doesn't sit well with you, if they have an idea that you are skeptical of, if you just get the sense that “Ugh, yeah, I'm not on board with this.” The first thing to do as a coach is to anchor yourself in your role. As coaches, we do not tell clients what to do. And it is our responsibility to center the client's needs and the client's agenda, we are here to serve their goals. So even though we may disagree with a specific tactic that they want to use, or an idea that they have, it's not always our job to voice our disagreement, we can certainly ask clarifying questions to help the client fully explore whatever idea it is that they're bringing to the table. And we want to make sure that we do so from a place of openness and curiosity, and not judgment. Because when we disagree with a client, it's really easy for judgment to show up and sneak in to both what we say and what we do. So we want to be mindful of our own response, we want to notice any judgment that might come up. And we want to recenter our focus on the client and their agenda. We also need to assess whether this disagreement fundamentally threatens the health of the relationship. This is where we need to know if this is just a little D disagreement, or a big C conflict, for me incompatible values is capital C conflict. And it can be very hard to maintain or restore a relationship when there is a fundamental disagreement on a value based level. So again, that's why asking the questions around values before you take someone on as a client is really important. Versus if you have a disagreement about something relatively minor, perhaps your client wants to use a given software platform and you don't think that's a good idea. Or maybe they want to try a certain marketing tactic. And you're skeptical as to whether or not it will work. Yes, this is a disagreement. And your perspective and your thoughts are valid, you're allowed to have them. But they may or may not need to be shared with the client at this point, especially if they are pretty clear in their convictions, and they're ready to move forward. Perhaps this is a sign that you just need to ask some more questions in order to help the client reflect on all of the opportunities and possibilities available to them. And also maybe through asking questions, you can educate yourself more on why your client feels the way they do and why they want to make this choice. It's not about right or wrong at this point, even though it's very tempting to fall into that binary. Instead, it's about learning more and seeking to understand. 

 

This topic is one that we dive into in great depth inside the Certified Clarity Coach Training Program and I'm really excited I'm spending the second quarter of 2022 completely revamping the curriculum for the certification program. The International Coaching Federation has just released new accreditation standards for coach training programs. And I'm actually really happy to see some of the changes that they've made. And as a result, it's requiring existing programs to ensure that our programs are in compliance with the new accreditation standards. I'm really excited to say that from a curriculum perspective, yes, the Certified Clarity Coach Training Program still meets all of the accreditation requirements. But I'm going to be taking some time to restructure it over the coming months, so that it better suits the needs of you as a potential student. We'll be moving more towards a phased approach. So instead of one huge nine month program, we're going to break it up into a Foundations course, and then an Intermediate course and then an Advanced course. So you can decide just how much training you want based on your certification goals or your goals as a coach and business owner. So more information will be coming about that in the near future. But for now, you can head to coachwithclarity.com/certification to get on the waitlist. That way you will be one of the first people notified when we are opening enrollment for the certification program. And you can secure your spot when we begin later this year, probably late summer, early fall more to come on that. But if the thought of addressing conflict with a client leaves you feeling a little apprehensive, rest assured we cover that inside the certification program. Because the truth is it will happen that you might reach a point with a client where the two of you just can't agree. Sometimes conflicts happen that we're not able to resolve. And that doesn't feel good. I just want to be honest with you. I've had it happen to me before. I'm thinking about one instance in particular where I got into the coaching relationship and realized, “Oh goodness, we really just don't see eye to eye on this particular issue, and this really is a non starter.” So where do we go from there? What happens when we realize, “Oh my gosh, I don't see a way out of this?” Well, the very first thing is to have an honest conversation with yourself. And perhaps you might want to talk to your coach or a trusted advisor around this as well. But you need to ask yourself, can you fulfill your obligation to your client, when you engaged in the coaching relationship with this person, you committed to being present for them in a certain way, whether it's a given number of sessions or support between session, but you made a commitment to them. So you need to ask yourself, “Am I at a point where I can morally and ethically continue to serve my client and fulfill my obligation?” Now, if the answer is yes, if you've thought about it, and you're like, you know, this bothers me. But I still believe in the work we're doing. And I want to continue working with this client, then own that and understand that you may need to just kind of put your head down and work through it on the area or areas where you have a disagreement. And at the same time, look for any lessons that you can learn from this experience. Were there questions that didn't get asked in the initial consult that in hindsight, might have helped, might have shown you the red flags before they came up? You may also want to think back to your emotional state, when you accepted this client into your practice. Were you operating from a place of fear? Were you concerned that if “I don't take this client on, I may not have the revenue I need to keep my business going?” And if that's the case, well, first off, my friend, we've all been there, you are not alone in that. And we need to take stock and ownership of the fact that we may have let our fear make the decision that day. And that we said yes to a client, because our desire for revenue was louder than the voice of our intuition. There have been times in my career where I've had a gut feeling that something's not right here, I'm not sure that this is going to work out. And the times when I have not paid attention to that feeling, when I've gone ahead and done it anyway, I've usually paid the price later. So if you've had that experience, if you did not listen to your inner wisdom, you took on this client and then found yourself in a big conflict, have a little grace and compassion with yourself, it happens to all of us. And notice that and remind yourself, “My intuition is here to serve me and next time, I will listen.” This is not about blaming yourself or shaming yourself for anything that's going wrong. This really is a data gathering activity so that we can avoid similar situations in the future. So that's what to do if you decide you can fulfill your obligation and continue to work with this client. But what if you reach the point that no, I really cannot do this anymore. Whatever this conflict is, it's a deal breaker. And I cannot continue to serve this person, even though I made that commitment. If that happens, first review the contract that you and your client signed. And look at the terms surrounding termination. What have both you and your client agreed to in terms of terminating a relationship? And what are your obligations according to that agreement. If you choose to terminate, it may require you to refund part or even all of any money paid to you by your client. From an ethical perspective, you may feel obligated to refer them to someone else to a coach who may be a better fit or may be better equipped to serve them. But before you say or do anything, take a look at that agreement, that contract that you and your client signed. Because ideally that has language regarding termination, that can guide you in your next steps. Above all, we want to make sure that we end the relationship with grace, with compassion, and with professionalism. And so that means communicating clearly to your client that you intend to terminate. And you probably owe them some sort of an explanation. Now, I'm not saying they need to know every single detail and we certainly don't want to make them feel badly about themselves. It likely looks like having an open conversation with your client where you call out the elephant in the room, you name it, and you explicitly state what steps you will be taking moving forward. So it might sound something like, “You know, you and I have been through a lot together. And I find that we keep coming back to this one issue, where we are just not seeing things eye to eye. And we're at a point now where this disagreement is getting in the way of our work together. And as my client, that is not fair to you, you deserve a coaching experience, where you feel fully confident in your coach and in your coaches ability to meet you where you are, so that you can achieve what you desire. And based on what we've been through together, I'm not confident I'm that coach for you. So moving forward, here's what I recommend we do.” And then at that point, you can walk your client through the next steps, you can let them know that you'll be terminating the agreement, you can let them know if you'll be refunding any money, or what the financial obligation looks like from them or from you. And then you can also offer to make a referral. Now, I realize the thought of saying this to a client may be really scary. And actually your client may not be happy, they may not agree with your interpretation of the relationship, they may feel disappointed or hurt or betrayed. And the fact is, they are entitled to those feelings. It doesn't mean that they're necessarily right. Nor does it mean that you've necessarily done something wrong. But it hurts when someone says I'm no longer able to work with you. And so, to the extent possible, allow your client the space to talk through any thoughts or feelings they're having, if they have any questions that they need answered. And one of the greatest things you can give them right now is the gift of clarity. Don't beat around the bush, be clear, be concise, be brief, and be compassionate. But you do not have to change your mind in order to satisfy your client, as long as you are going about the termination process in an ethical manner, and in a manner that's legally compliant. So give your clients some space to work through their feelings, and hold fast to your decision to terminate the relationship. 

 

So remember, the next time you experience conflict within a coaching relationship, you have options. Sometimes that conflict can actually be a force for good, it can be an opportunity for you and your client to have deeper discussions to explore these topics, and to strengthen the relationship. And sometimes conflict can ultimately be destructive, and make it so that the relationship is not viable. And when that happens, it's your responsibility as the coach to address it head on, to provide a course of action for your client, and to do the self review and introspection to see where this might have gone off track. And what if anything, you would want to do differently next time to prevent something like this from happening again. Now, sometimes these things happen because of circumstances that are completely outside your control. And if that's the case, you may just need to chalk this up to a life lesson and move on. But oftentimes, when we go back and we review the entire process, we can see points at which maybe we made a decision that in hindsight we wouldn't make again. And that's where we can learn and that's how we grow. So with that I think it's time for this week's Clarity in Action moment.

For this week's Clarity in Action moment, I am going to ask you to do a little bit of that introspection I mentioned earlier, and I have five questions that I would encourage you to think about, perhaps journal about, or maybe even talk to a coach about. Now the first question is, how do I typically handle conflict? So when conflict arises, or when you experience a disagreement with someone, what do you typically do? What thoughts do you often have? What feelings come up? And how do those thoughts and feelings affect your actions? So that's question number one, how do you typically handle conflict? Question number two, how does your approach to handling conflict serve you as a coach? So, what are the benefits to your current way of handling conflict and how might that actually be a good thing within a coaching relationship? So if that's question number two, you might be able to guess question number three, it's the other side of the coin. How might your approach to conflict management challenge you as a coach? What are the limitations to your preferred method of managing conflict? And how might that impede the coaching relationship? So those are the first three questions. How do I typically handle conflict? How could this serve me as a coach? How might this challenge me as a coach? The fourth question, what are my non-negotiables? And so here I'm talking about the beliefs and the values that you hold that are so fundamentally important to you, that your clients need to either have those same shared values and beliefs, or at least hold values and beliefs that are complementary to yours, or don't clash with them. So that's question number four, what are my non-negotiables? And then the fifth and final question, How am I currently communicating my non-negotiables with my potential and current clients? Because while it's very important that we know what our values are, and we know our non-negotiables, it's even more important that we are communicating them to the people we most want to serve, because that will help us attract our ideal clients, and repel the people who are not a good fit for our practice. So we need to be clear about what our non-negotiables are; that's question number four, and then how we communicate those to our people; that's question number five. So I encourage you to sit with these five questions and allow what comes up to inform how you handle conflict in the future, and what steps you can take now to reduce the likelihood of any of those fundamental value clashes happening within your business. 

 

Well, my friend I hope you have found today's episode about managing conflict and disagreements to be helpful, and I would love to hear your thoughts. You can come find me over on Instagram @CoachWithClarity and send me a DM let me know how are you currently handling conflict within your coaching practice? What helps you navigate any disagreements that might come up with your clients? I would absolutely love to hear from you. So come find me over on Instagram, or email me your thoughts to info@coachwithclarity.com.

 

All right, my friends. I will be back in your feed next week with another episode of the Coach with Clarity Podcast. So, if you are not already following or subscribed to the show, go ahead and do that now. There should be an option to either subscribe or follow based on what podcast player you use, and never fear the Coach With Clarity Podcast is a free service, so there is no cost to subscribe. I look forward to continuing our conversation together next week. And until then, my name is Lee Chaix McDonough, reminding you to get out there and show the world what it means to be a Coach With Clarity.